


it's okay, i forgive you

by poonoddle



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Tumblr Post, Character Death, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, Implied wanting to die, Panic Attacks, Sad, Sadstuck, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Swearing, but not really, just very loosely based, sollux kills aradia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:29:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24808558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poonoddle/pseuds/poonoddle
Summary: Prompt: "I was being mind controlled and now you’re dying in my arms but you say it's not my fault."Wherein Sollux experiences Aradia's death twice in a row and has two panic attacks.But hope comes in the form of a dream bubble.!!Warning: Descriptive. Read with extreme caution.!!(Mostly canon based, but some details were tweaked to fit the story.)
Relationships: Sollux Captor/Aradia Megido
Kudos: 9





	it's okay, i forgive you

**Author's Note:**

> Again, there is a section here where Sollux experiences a panic attack. As the author, I wanted to give it a proper representation. I did not want to half-ass it because people really do go through it and I do not want to disrespect what they go through.
> 
> That said, I tried to make it as accurate to the best of my ability. I know it's not even half of how it is in real life, so if I interpreted something wrong do please tell me nicely and I'll fix it in future!

The explosion plays through your mind like a broken record, a never-ending cycle of agony with no way out. Did that really happen? Wake up, Sollux, c’mon wake up—

You fall to your knees. Was it not enough to lose her the first time? Was there even a point to a Doom player’s existence other than to suffer at the whims of the cruel, unforgiving Eldritchian gods? Fuck, why were you so fucking mean to her? Maybe you would’ve even understood what was going to happen if you took the time to fucking talk to her like a normal troll, not in the spiteful, despicable, loathsome way you normally speak because—news flash!—you’re an spiteful, despicable, loathsome person! There isn’t even a body to cradle this time. What remains of her robot body litter the floor of the terminal. Looking down, you see golden tears pooling on the floor. You wipe at your eyes angrily.

“Sollux?” You hear Nepeta say, laying a tentative hand on your shoulder.

You shove it off. “Leave me the fuck alone!” Your wrathful eyes intimidate her from holding your gaze. Her ears droop. “I-I’m sorry, Sollux…”

You want to apologize, but the blood pumping in your ears block all cohesive thought. Your hands and feet tingle. You had to get away. So you run out of the terminal as fast as your legs can carry you. You run and run and run until you can’t. Until your legs felt like lead. Until your throat was so tight you can’t breathe. Your vision blurs with tears. Stumbling into a halt, you collapse on thet floor in a heap. You cough, desperately trying to get your throat to open up again.

Taking in as much air as your throat allows you, you sit in a foetal position, trying to get a bearing of your situation. It seems that you’ve run into one of the many dark hallways the meteor houses. You close your eyes, wishing everything to disappear. The voices of the soon-to-be-dead come back, goading you into joining them in the afterlife. You cover your ears in an attempt to block them off, but they persist. “SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” You scream at nothing. “Leave me alone…please…” The voices become louder as they threaten to engulf you. You hug your knees to your chest in a desperate attempt at protecting yourself.

You cry you heart out. You miss her already. Why did you grow apart? Why was she only given enough time to hug you before exploding? It’s not fair.

Hours pass in the hallway. You’re grateful no one has found you yet, but also a bit disappointed not even Karkat came to find you. You’ve long stopped pouring your feelings at nothing and the exhaustion of it all has gradually come to bite you in the ass. The back of your head feels like it’s been stabbed multiple times. Ignoring Karkat’s stupid advice, you lie down on the cold, hard floor and try to sleep.

You groggily open your eyes to the Alternian night sky. Smacking your lips, you taste mind honey. Suddenly very awake, you bolt upright. You touch your lips and find out that you **did** eat mind honey. What happened? You didn’t do anything bad…did you?

You look at the landscape. There was a lot of dig tranches, and hives were sparse. There was one nearby though—wait, isn’t that Aradia’s hive? Then you suddenly remember. This is a memory of the night you…

_Oh no…_

“Aradia!” You shout as you frantically scan the vicinity. Then your eyes land on something lying on the soil, and you know. You start running as fast as your legs could carry you. Tears pool in your eyes and fall on the soil. Kneeling next to her, your hands tremble over her face, not quite grasping the truth. “No…oh God, Aradia not again!” You take her cold body into the warmth of your arms and hold her as close as you can to your chest. “I’m so sorry AA…I’m sorry for everything, it’s all my fault…” Your body shakes uncontrollably as emotions overwhelm you. You hold on to her lifeless body, desperate to have some sort of anchor to this reality, even if the reality was that she’s gone.

You call out to her again and again, apologizing again and again. Your lips quiver as they let out sorrowful sob, face contorted in inconsolable pain. You rock yourself back and forth, both to stabilize yourself and also to delude yourself into thinking she’s only sleeping. Just a nap. She’ll wake up soon, Sollux.

Hours pass outside her hive. Feeling the need to honour her in some way, you decide to give her a proper burial this time. Keeping one arm around her body, you hook the other under her knees. You’ve just started to walk towards her hive when you hear a faint voice call out your name. You whip around.

“Sollux!”

And there you see it, illuminating the dark, starless Alternian sky. Aradia.

There’s no mistaking it. A figure with curved horns and with a forest of hair. She’s here.

For the third time today—it could’ve been years and you wouldn’t know—tears gather in your eyes. “Aradia!” You cry out. She waves at you as she approaches. You make a sound of happy disbelief, allowing yourself, for the first time, to smile.

You tenderly look at the body in your arms. The body of a person very important to you. Suddenly, everything makes sense. If she didn’t die here, her dream self wouldn’t have woken up on Derse’s moon. She wouldn’t have been slain on her sacrificial slab and wouldn’t have reached god tier. And yet, here she is. Fully recognized as the Maid of Time. It doesn’t change the fact that what you both had to go through was unfair, but you take comfort in the thought that it all had to happen for her to be where she is now.

You put her body back down, and with a lighter heart, kiss her forehead. Gently caressing her face, you stand and turn your back on the past just in time to face the present. She lands a few meters before you. You can’t help but smile widely as you run towards her. She does the same.

You meet halfway, holding your arms out. They’ve longed for her warmth, and wrap around her tightly the moment your body crashes into hers. You hook your arms around her waist and lift her above the ground, laughing. She takes it one step further and spins your connected bodies into the sky, her wings flapping noisily. The sound of surprise you make makes her laugh, but the feeling of the ground slipping away from under you only makes you hold on to her tighter. “AA, I’ve missed you but please put us down.”

She laughs, and you feel it resonate in her chest to yours. “Okay, okay, relax.” Her wings flap slower and soon your feet touch the soft soil, but you don’t let go of her just yet.

“I can’t believe it. You literally just died in front of me hours ago! And now here you are in god tier?” You cry out. Your mind’s a mess, your eyes swollen like a bee stung it, but you couldn’t be happier.

“Sorry for not explaining it at the time—Shh!—but my bot body exploded because Jack’s miles killed me, as well as everybody else, then I woke up on Derse as, y’know, maid of time.” Her hands cup your face, soothing thumbs doing wonders to you. “I’m sorry for being so cryptic when I was dead…”

You shake your head vehemently. “No! Don’t give me that shit AA! I..I saw you die twice..” You say, leaning into her touch. “I killed you…”

She looks at you, sorrowful eyes observing your miserable face. “You know it’s not your fault. I’ve forgiven you both,” She starts to cry too. “I _forgive_ you.”

You look up, only to see her smiling at you even through it all. You wipe her tears away then your own. Deep down, you still blame yourself for it all. Maybe if you convinced her not to FLARP with the others. Maybe if you used your psychic powers hard enough to see this outcome.

But seeing her smile at you, forgiving you without a hint of bitterness…Well, it’s going to be a slow process but you think you will be able to. You don’t know how long it’ll take, but you’ll get there.

You smile at her too, bringing your forehead to hers. “I’m really glad to have you back, Aradia.”

She laughs, leaning. “It sure is great to be alive again. Like actually be alive in _flesh_.”

Hours pass in the bubble. Walking around hand in hand, you reminisce of the simpler lives you had in Alternia. You both talk about your roles in bringing about the apocalypse and she expresses regret in not being transparent with you, but you counter that if you had, everyone would’ve probably been doomed. You say that as a matter of fact, but Aradia laughs. (“Ha! Doom! Great one, Sollux!”) You then express not wanting to leave her, but she assures you that you will meet again soon. Lying next to each other in the comfort of the cold soil, you fall asleep in her arms. When you wake up, you see the distressed face of an old friend. “Oh, my Gog, Sollux! Finally. I’ve been looking for you for ages, man!” Karkat shouts.

He asks what the matter is with you, saying that it seems you were fine. You shrug. Who knows if you’ll ever be fine? But all you know is that you’ve never been happier that you were in the bubble with a living Aradia. Standing up with Karkat’s help, you go back to join the others.

_Don’t worry, Sollux! I’ll wait for you!_

**Author's Note:**

> right so, that was that, how was it? did u cry? was it good? pray do tell haha!  
> as i said, this was loosely based on the prompt. i was inspired by revenge arc by the FLARPers and wanted to write how must have sollux felt about all that, 'cause in the comic it was sort of brushed off but it *is* a big deal!  
> so, i wrote what sollux might've felt. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> thanks for reading!! give a kudo if you kudo!


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